Why did the chicken cross the road?
TEACHER
To get to the other side.
PLATO
For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE
It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to
cross the road for you to believe it?
MACHIAVELLI
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD
Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to
ask,
"What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place
anyway?"
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual security.
EINSTEIN
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken
depends upon your frame of reference.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
I missed one?
Classic...
J
29 January 2004
Apply if you will....
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
----------------------------------------------------
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________
If No, EXPLAIN ___________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _______________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?_____________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
__________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ____________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ____________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the _________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
___________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years
for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication
before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin cases
(You might want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
Gettin' to be that time.....
J
----------------------------------------------------
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________
If No, EXPLAIN ___________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _______________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?_____________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
__________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ____________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ____________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the _________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
___________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years
for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication
before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin cases
(You might want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
Gettin' to be that time.....
J
28 January 2004
Success...
Got my first test back tonight in Math class.... 94%. Don't think I've EVER (in my life) gotten a 94 on a Math test before.... This is GOOD!
J
J
26 January 2004
24 January 2004
21 January 2004
Correct me if I'm wrong, but...
I don't think it's a good thing when you ask your teen-age daughter for help with your math homework and she looks at your book and says "whoa dad!, I know how to do all of this and I'm in the retard math class at school!"
J
J
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