Why, indeed?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

TEACHER
To get to the other side.

PLATO
For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE
It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to
cross the road for you to believe it?

MACHIAVELLI
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD
Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to
ask,
"What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place
anyway?"

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual security.

EINSTEIN
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken
depends upon your frame of reference.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON
The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SAUNDERS
I missed one?

Classic...
J

Apply if you will....

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

----------------------------------------------------

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________

CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________

If No, EXPLAIN ___________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married _______________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______

A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?_____________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

__________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ____________

12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ____________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________

c) A woman's place is in the _________________________

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ________________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _________________

( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.

___________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years
for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication
before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin cases
(You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?:

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...


Gettin' to be that time.....
J

Success...

Got my first test back tonight in Math class.... 94%. Don't think I've EVER (in my life) gotten a 94 on a Math test before.... This is GOOD!
J

Make it Better...

BOB SWEENEY: Has anything you've done made your life better?
American History X

Get Back Witch!

My daughter has black hair... out
J

Correct me if I'm wrong, but...

I don't think it's a good thing when you ask your teen-age daughter for help with your math homework and she looks at your book and says "whoa dad!, I know how to do all of this and I'm in the retard math class at school!"
J

Hindsight...

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

Albert Einstein

Nice to Know

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

Albert Einstein

An Interesting Theory...

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

Woosh...

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

Aristotle on Education

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

Einstein and God...

At any rate, I am convinced that He [God] does not play dice.

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), In a letter to Max Born, 1926

God and Reason...

Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.

Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

Patience!

Romeo and Juliet

FRIAR LAURENCE
Hence from Verona art thou banished:
Be patient, for the world is broad and wide.

Act 3, Scene 3

J

Way to Go Jenni!

Jenni made snare for PFDC last night!
Yeah!
J

Miss Chi Chi Rocks!

Had my first Math class tonight. Miss Chi Chi is kind of a cross between a Marine drill sargent and Minnie Pearl. She's awesome. I may even learn something.... out.
J

I don't get it.......

What is up with 'Alias'? I just do NOT understand that show! I mean, I know it is probably awesome, but I just don't get it!
J

"All right, we'll call it a draw..."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

BLACK KNIGHT
Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?

ARTHUR
I do not challenge you.

The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.

ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which doesn't come. ARTHUR
is only slightly thrown.
... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all the world to join
me in my court at Camelot ...
The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent

ARTHUR
You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?

Silence.

ARTHUR
A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all my knights ...

BLACK KNIGHT
Never.

ARTHUR
You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.

As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.

ARTHUR
What?

BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.

ARTHUR
I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die.

ARTHUR
I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

BLACK KNIGHT
I move for no man.

ARTHUR
So be it!

ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious
fight now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR
delivers a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left
arm at the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

ARTHUR
Now stand aside worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT
(Glancing at his shoulder)
'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR
A scratch? Your arm's off.

BLACK KNIGHT
No, it isn't.

ARTHUR
(Pointing to the arm on ground)
Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT
I've had worse.

ARTHUR
You're a liar.

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on you pansy!

Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK
KNIGHT's other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies
on the ground.

ARTHUR
Victory is mine.
(sinking to his knees)
I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on then.

ARTHUR
What?

He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still
holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

ARTHUR
You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT
Had enough?

ARTHUR
You stupid bastard. You haven't got any arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT
Course I have.

ARTHUR
Look!

BLACK KNIGHT
What! Just a flesh wound.
(kicks ARTHUR)

ARTHUR
Stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT
(kicking him)
Had enough ... ?

ARTHUR
I'll have your leg.
He is kicked.
Right!

The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off. The
BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

BLACK KNIGHT
I'll do you for that.

ARTHUR
You'll what ... ?

BLACK KNIGHT
Come Here.

ARTHUR
What are you going to do. bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT
I'm invincible!

ARTHUR
You're a loony.

BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

BLACK KNIGHT
All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR
Come, Patsy.

ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT
Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and
take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

The very definition of tenacity....
J

"You shall see a cow..."

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Everett makes a sudden hushing gesture and all listen.

The baying of hounds is louder now, but through it we hear a
distant scrape of metal against metal, like the workings of
a rusty pump. The men turn in unison to look up the track.

A small, distant form is moving slowly up the track toward
them.

As it draws closer it resolves into a human-propelled flatcar.
An ancient black man rhythmically pumps its long seesaw
handle.

The three convicts look out at the swampland which begins to
show movement, the bowing grass trampled by men and dogs.

The flatcar draws even and slows.

EVERETT
Mind if we join you, ol' timer?

OLD MAN
Join me, my sons.

The three men clamber aboard and the old man resumes pumping.

The three men exchange glances; Delmar waves a clanking hand
before the old man's milky eyes. No reaction.

DELMAR
You work for the railroad, grandpa?

OLD MAN
I work for no man.

PETE
Got a name, do ya?

OLD MAN
I have no name.

EVERETT
Well, that right there may be why
you've had difficulty finding gainful
employment. Ya see, in the mart of
competitive commerce, the-

OLD MAN
You seek a great fortune, you three
who are now in chains...

The men fall silent.

OLD MAN
And you will find a fortune - though
it will not be the fortune you seek...

The three convicts, faces upturned, listen raptly to the
blind prophet.

OLD MAN
...But first, first you must travel
a long and difficult road - a road
fraught with peril, uh-huh, and
pregnant with adventure. You shall
see things wonderful to tell. You
shall see a cow on the roof of a
cottonhouse, uh-huh, and oh, so many
startlements...

The cloudy eyes of the old man stare sightlessly down the
track as the seesaw handle rises and falls through frame.

OLD MAN
...I cannot say how long this road
shall be. But fear not the obstacles
in your path, for Fate has vouchsafed
your reward. And though the road
may wind, and yea, your hearts grow
weary, still shall ye foller the
way, even unto your salvation.

The old man pumps - reek-a reek-a reek-a - as all contemplate
his words.

Loud and sudden:

OLD MAN
IZZAT CLEAR?

The men start, then mumble polite acknowledgement.

The railroad tracks wind to the setting sun. Reek-a reek-a
reek-a - the flatcar rolls, in wide shot, toward the golden
horizon.

FADE OUT

O Brother.....
J

Why are women always right?

Pirates of the Caribbean

JACK :
To the Black Pearl . [drinks and loses consciousness; wakes in the morning to the smell of smoke; sees the island burning and runs to Elizabeth ] No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade! The rum!

ELIZABETH :
Yes, the rum is gone.

JACK :
Why is the rum gone?

ELIZABETH :
One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me, do you really think that there is even the slightest chance that they won’t see it?

JACK :
But why is the rum gone?

ELIZABETH :
[she sits to stare at the horizon] Just wait, Captain Sparrow. You give it one hour, maybe two, keep a weather eye out and then you will see white sails on that horizon.

JACK :
[takes out pistol, thinks better of it and puts it back, stalks off, imitates Elizabeth ] “Must’ve been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack . Must’ve been terrible for you.” Well it bloody is now! [spots the Dauntless]... There’ll be no living with her after this.

They're always right.....
J

Filth! Slime! Muck! Booooooooo!

The Princess Bride

HUMPERDINCK:
My father's final words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and there will be joy.? I present to you, your queen; Queen Buttercup.

[Buttercup comes out before the crowd. She is met by a hideous woman]

WOMAN:
[in a horrid voice] Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!

BUTTERCUP:
[upset] Why do you do this?

WOMAN:
Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up!

BUTTERCUP:
But they would have killed Wesley if I hadn't done it.

WOMAN:
Your true love lives, and you marry another! True love saved her in the fire-swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!

[Buttercup wakes up]


Genius...
J

"Mark the Music!"

Merchant of Venice

Music

JESSICA
I am never merry when I hear sweet music.

LORENZO
The reason is, your spirits are attentive:
For do but note a wild and wanton herd,
Or race of youthful and unhandled colts,
Fetching mad bounds, bellowing and neighing loud,
Which is the hot condition of their blood;
If they but hear perchance a trumpet sound,
Or any air of music touch their ears,
You shall perceive them make a mutual stand,
Their savage eyes turn'd to a modest gaze
By the sweet power of music: therefore the poet
Did feign that Orpheus drew trees, stones and floods;
Since nought so stockish, hard and full of rage,
But music for the time doth change his nature.
The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils;
The motions of his spirit are dull as night
And his affections dark as Erebus:
Let no such man be trusted. Mark the music.

Merchant of Venice: Act 5, Scene 1

Mark the music,
J

"There's a double meaning in that..."

BEATRICE
Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.

BENEDICK
Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

BEATRICE
I took no more pains for those thanks than you take
pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would
not have come.

BENEDICK
You take pleasure then in the message?

BEATRICE
Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's
point and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach,
signior: fare you well.

Exit

BENEDICK
Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in
to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that 'I took
no more pains for those thanks than you took pains
to thank me.' that's as much as to say, Any pains
that I take for you is as easy as thanks. If I do
not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do not
love her, I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.

Exit

Much Ado About Nothing: Act 2, Scene 3

Playlist Update...

A few great songs off my most recent playlist.
1. Moses - Coldplay (Live)
2. Either Way - Guster
3. I'm About To Come Alive - Train
4. 100 Years - Five for Fighting
5. Violence - Blink 182
6. Subterranean Homesick Blues - Dylan
7. Pretty much any track off AFTERGLOW - Sarah McLachlan

Check them out....
J